Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The Ongoing Hostage Situation

The story you are about to read is true, except for the parts that aren't, the people named herein do exist albeit with different names.

So the other day I was involved in an Ongoing Hostage Situation (or Occupational Health Service) O.H.S.

As part of my conditional job offer with Medstar I was required to go and take a physical, agility assessment and a drug test. This was scheduled by Medstar with OHS with the understanding that I would not become a hostage. I arrived at 9:30 well within my scheduled time ad proceeded to fill out my forms which I then promptly turned in and was told to take a seat and wait. and so it began.

The first problem I had was with the take a seat instruction. I mean taking a seat is usually well and good, and well within the range of my ability. After all there where probably about 35 chairs in the waiting room. The problem was they where all full ( I fact I had seen when I walked in but seeing as I had an appointment I disregarded) so I went to look for some wall to hold up, but most of the available wall space was taken up by chairs or people already doing their best to keep it from falling down.

I waited, and waited, and saw more people come in, a whole group from Goodwill in fact, they signed in and waited too. I met Bill, Bill recounted his whole life story, something about the fact that he was born, and watched tv and other stuff. It was now 11:00.

For the next hour I played with my phone, until the battery started to wear down, at 12:00 somebody a few names above mine on the sign in sheet was called, finally getting closer I thought, and I was right. 45 minutes later I was called in.

I had my drug test - passed, my vision test - pass, pulse -pass, Blood pressure....

Ok I have a general Idea of where my blood pressure normally is about 130/80 sometimes a little lower sometimes a litter higher. I can generally feel where my blood pressure begins to read from the pulsating as the cuff releases, and it usually around there, I have done this at doctors offices in the past and am always close. Today I felt it around 135, the Medical assistant finishes and ask me:
"Have you ever been diagnosed with high BP?"
me- "Uh no why"
her- "Because its a little high"
me - "Oh really what is it"
her - "155/96"

At this point the dumbfounded look on my face must have worried her a little because she asked if I knew what I normally was, to which I answered I did and told her, so she says ok we will try again later. Now that said I did expect y BP to be a little higher than normal, I mean I have some serious stress in my life right now, with my kids and the NICU and everything in my career depending on this physical, not to mention the ungodly amount of salt on my breakfast sandwich earlier. So I go back and sit down.

and sit
and sit
and sit

30 minutes later they bring me back and retake my BP a differ ant MA this time, and again I feel it about 135, this time the MA says its 138/88, then she says ok go sit out in the lobby.

The entire group of goodwill people now leave they are done, Now I meet John, John works for Chesapeake and has been here since 9, John's sister is out of school for the day, His mom has also taken the day off from work, ad they brought john to his 1 hour appointment, little knowing they were dooming him to be part of the Ongoing Hostage situation, it is now 1:30 and he is about the same place in line I am, basically meaning there is no line just some sort of "whole sort of general mish mash".

The Hostage takers, (or should I say emotional and psychological terrorist) seem to take people on a whim and build our hopes up, only to give us a cookie, let us take half a bite, then yank it away and beat us over the head, as if to say "haha no way are you even close to done yet."

So I finally get called back again around 1:45 this time to see the master terrorist (aka doctor) "sit there and take your shirt off" II am told as the MA gestures to a table. So I sit and wait.

He comes in 10 minutes later with an eery, eager grin o his face, fangs glistening in the florescent life sucking light. He beats me across the knees with a hammer, applies metal ice to my chest and back, and then forces me into strange contortions then while having me stand he sits down his face right about waist level to me, and tells me to drop my pant! this was getting weird fast. Finally after some awkward coughing and some sharp pain, he leaves, I am left shuddering in a fetal position, until I slowly regain my dignity and pull my clothes back on . I am then sent back out into hell.

Things speed up a bit this time I am only sitting for about 30 minutes and then I am called into the work room, here I am given impossible tasks, and task so repetitive the only way to stay sane is to gibber and drool endlessly. I hooked to a chain across my chest, and one on my wrist. First I am told to walk up a stair case going no where, but I am not even allowed to go to the top, merely one step up and then back down. Over and over I do this a faint rhythm begins to beat in my head, up -up - down - down - up - up - down - down. over and over, mind numbingly....

Suddenly the stop me and move me to a moving belt, I am told to get on and walk, so I walk, and walk and walk. Always walking, never getting anywhere, On and on I go, its another form of waiting. on and on and on.

Again without warning I am stopped and rug to another room, this time to help move some stuff, there is a box weighing approximately 125 pounds. first they have me move it up a staircase, then back down, then set it down, then pick it up, back up back down. they just can't decide, finally they decide on down. So then I am told to pick it up and move it about 10 steps to the front of the room and set it down. "No" they decide move it back to the back. then back to the front. then the back, and finally the front, its mind numbing work. "Ok" pick it up and move it backwards a little" they say, finally they get it where they want it and I am unchained ad sent back to the wait room.

Shortly afterward I am approached by a woman in a black cape with fangs hanging out of both sides of her face, I notice she is very pale with blood red lips. I am dragged into a little room and she jams a fang into my arm. I begin to feel faint as my blood flows away...

I come to a little while later and what can only be described as a succubus is standing their with an device that I am told to blow into, I know she is trying to steal my soul, but I am forced to blow into it as hard as I can for as long as possible without inhaling. Instinctively I know that if I hold back she will win.

Finally she frowns, looks around and says, "I have to let you go now. You have passed all our test" You are free to go.

It had been 5 and half years (or hours) of pure hell (or boredom) and suffering (or inconvenience) and I was finally free, I walked out the doors a changed man, my life is now different I have a job to go to next week.

No comments: